On another blog, Elizabeth posted to me the first paragraph of her story. Here it is:
There is only so much a person can do before it feels like their head is going to explode. That’s how Katie feels. Now, Katie is 17, she’s 6’0” and she’s about 120 lbs. As you may have already imagined, she’s a model, a big time modeling agency has just signed her, and she’s back and forth from Abbotsford to Vancouver, with the occasional trip to Toronto, preparing for her big arrival in Milan.
And here is my suggestion on how she might want to revise:
Hi Elizabeth,
What you’ve got here is the beginning of an overview or outline rather than a story or novel. You are _telling_ about Katie, rather than showing her, like in a movie.
Put her in a scene. And then _show_ her. For example, you could show her in the first class waiting area of an airport or in the first class section of an airplane. Have her be offered stuff to eat or drink but then have her only accept something like a Perrier with lime. Or if she has food set in front of her, have her eat a single pea or something. And then you can describe what her hand looks like as it delicately picks up the crystal glass of Perrier. Does she have long slim fingers with french-manicured inch-long nails that have never washed a dirty dish in years? Does she blot her lipstick before taking a sip? Does she look at other people who are seated around her and judge them by how they look? By giving these details, you allow the reader to get _inside_ of Katie’s feelings and personality while at the same time you build a visual image. It’s a much slower way of writing but it really helps it come alive.
Let me know if this helps.
all the best
Marsha Skrypuch
www.calla.com
Ah, showing not telling, my first light-bulb moment as a writer. 🙂
Hi Maggie,
Me too. I wrote a whole 500 page manuscript in telling before I clued in!
This is Elizibeth.
That was great advice, and I revised that paragraph. Can you post in in here Martha? Then I could get some more feedback on it.
Writing certainly is a timely task, isn’t it?
Hi Elizabeth,
Absolutely! Here’s your revised paragraph:
“Katie! We need you over here!”
“We need her here! We have to get her hair done before she can get any pictures taken!”
“Can’t I have a break? I have been working for 7 hours straight now, its getting hard to stand up straight and look good in the pictures.”
“That’s the life of a model Katie. You picked it, not us. Time to get back to work”
Katie walked back over to the camera man, and he gave her a faint smile, to show his understanding. Everyone was tired, but they had to get these pictures done before the deadline.
She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and imagined she was at home in her own warm bed, cuddled up with her favourite blanket and teddy bear, listening to the soft sound of rain outside her window. She exhales, and opens her eyes, feeling a little more eager than before.
She was beginning to have doubts about signing that contract with the company. She had always dreamed of being a model, walking runway to her newest favourite song. As a little girl she imagined what she would look like older and walking down that runway, camera flashes going off, clapping… it was her dreams come true. Now it seemed more like a nightmare. Everything she had imagined was all a facade. All the thoughts and ideas about what modeling would be like raced out of her head as she went through her first show, in shock afterwards of the real life of a model. She wasn’t so sure anymore that it was the dream life… but she was in too far. She couldn’t back out now.
I’ll post suggestions on a new entry called, “revisions”