revisions

Hi Elizabeth,

Your new novel opening is really good! Much more visual this time around. Within each line, you can expand scene to make it more visual. For example, your first few lines could be expanded thus:

“Katie! We need you over here!”

(It’s a good technique to open with a line of dialogue like this. The reader gets a sense of urgency and also that Katie is important. Tag this line of dialogue with some scene setting and context. For example, take a look at my additions (between the ///// marks):

“Katie! We need you over here!” /////Katie tried to swallow down her stress, then turned to see who it was who needed her so desperately this time. Solange, Katie’s personal hairstylist stood there, blow dryer in one hand and round hairbrush in the other.////

////Katie heard a voice from the other direction://// “We need her here!

////It was the set designer, Gabe, tapping his eel-skin boot tip with exasperation.////

////Solange stepped forward, brandishing her blow dryer like a weapon at Gabe. ////”We have to get her hair done before she can get any pictures taken!”//// she declared.///

“Can’t I have a break?” ////asked Katie, slumping down in the nearest chair. ////”I have been working for 7 hours straight now, its getting hard to stand up straight and look good in the pictures.”

Author: Marsha

I write historical fiction, mostly from the perspective of young people who are thrust in the midst of war. View all posts by Marsha